A personal update about motherhood and my life

motherhood

I’m going to do it all differently. Than my parents. Was my motto 🙂 back in the pre-kid-days. That was so clear to me. I felt like becoming a stay-at-home-mother was myyyyy thiiiiing! You know out of my free will.

How we decided to get a miracle baby

When I met my soulmate back in the days, we talked about my personal future and it was clear to me that I don’t want to work in my office job again. I just got bullied out of my last job and was so fucking unhappy in this job that I was much happier without it. Also the jobs I had before were nothing for me. It was wrong. Me? Acting like a office lady. Trying to be an assistant or a normal employee. Total fail! It was not me and it never will be.

I thought about my options. Doing further education to get access to a university? Studying marketing or finance like anybody else? Starting new? I could hardly count to 100. Just joking 😉 but no I’m not a finance girl. My hubby decided that it’s time for me to take some time off. Just enjoying summer. That’s what we did. We loved the french riviera and enjoyed having sex all night long and all day. Every day. Yeah those first months are breathtaking, aren’t they? 🙂

Than I almost signed up for a school, but just with my head – not with my heart. And during this time I remember a wonderful talk with a than close friend of mine. She was like you wish to be a mother since a loooong time, why don’t you consider that this can be your destiny? I was touched in my heart, but my head was something like naaa this can’t really be it, can it? I thought of it. I was your perfect babysitter all these years and I love kids. I really do. They’re happy, funny and have wonderful energy. This talk activated something in me. I opened up to the universe. I considered it.

Yes. Let’s do this!

I went home to my now-hubby and told him everything about it. I was thrilled. I was like BOOOOM – baby this is it! I was like this is what my heart wanted all the time and this is the moment right now I could feel it in my bones. It became a big wish! He is very adventurous 🙂 so he was all in. 🙂 ! Just joking, I mean he is, but our love was very strong from the beginning, there was really no reason to not do it all as our intuition guided us. So we were incredibly happy and decided that after being together 3 1/2 months it’s the time to create a family. 🙂

Haha we had no idea how this beautiful miracle  will turn our lives around. It was all so naturally. So real. From our hearts.

I got pregnant the first month. 10 months and a wonderful pregnancy later our baby Estella Joy was born. She came like a whirlwind. A wonderful whirlwind. She still is. Wild and soft. Strong and sensitive. She is power. She is magic. She is our miracle. We are beyond thankful.

The first year was crazy. Magic. Happiness. Tears. Exhausting. Beautiful. We changed our home country for a year in Amsterdam. I loved the spirit. Art, open minds, bikes. But I was also alone. A stay at home mom in a different country. No friends, no mother in law, no close family, no support system. Except my hubby of course, but he was also at work 9 – 5. I was never happier in my life and I was also exhausted. Really exhausted. Growing into this new role takes some time. If you ever happen to have kids give yourself time to grow into this new role. It takes two years. At least in my case. I had to find the right balance between being a present, happy, caring mom & being a present, happy woman & being a present & happy & supportive wife.

So what I learned and went through is a lot. I virtually grew up in daycare institutions so when I thought of balance I was sure that my kid(s) will never ever go into day care. I thought I had to do it all. Alone. And I learned it the hard way. I could not. I got sick 10 times in half a year. I needed a break. Me-time. Us-time. Fresh air. Sex. Date nights. Time on my own. To fill my cup. But I had no trust into anyone. I slowly but surely learned to trust my mother in law. To get some time for me. It was and still is so wonderful. Everyone’s happy. My daughter. My mother in law. And me.

Loving someone so much activated self love in me

And with my new role did not only came so much love for another human being. But also a very strong sense on equity, my intuition plus very fine selected new worths. I felt the urge to create, to write, to do some projects, to trust the flow, to do something with meaning. To enjoy the time I had for myself. To enjoy the time I had with my family. When I had no time to create, I got very unhappy and unbalanced. I just had to create. I stayed up all night long sometimes. It had to go with the flow.

So I felt I needed more time to create my career. One day per week was beautiful but not enough. And I felt guilt and shame realizing this. I want to be a great mother. I really do. I love her so so so much and I want to be with her and be here for her. And I still want to be me. A woman finding her way into her self made career. A woman inspiring others (also her daughter) to be real. A woman full of heart and art and colors and ideas. A woman doing what she loves to do.  All of it. I love being a mom and I love being me!

I finally realized it’s okay to feel guilty. After all we live in a society that lives in these gender typical norms. Mom has to be full time, or most time at home looking after her kids. But has anybody ever asked a man if he would like to do it full-time? So I asked my hubby – Could you imagine being a stay-at-home-dad full time? And his answer was what probably most men would say. I love having children and I also can imagine an extra day or two for our child(ren) at home. But full-time? No. It’s very full-filling, but it’s not everything in my life.

And it’s true, he’s so right. I feel it exactly as he does. But what is more interesting than that we feel the same, is how is it, that he says this feeling absolutely confident and okay in his decision and why do I feel guilty as FUCK only allowing me a thought like this? I don’t want to complain, not at all. I love being a mom! It’s the most inspiring event in my life. But why does society expect these things from us women? That we all go home, have nothing inspring to say anymore and only love ironing and baking all day long?

So today I step up into my kind of feminism telling myself & everybody. I want to work and I want to be a present mom. I want it both. That’s my style of living this life. I want to be with my kid and I want to create other meaningful things. And it’s my right to make this decision. And I hope if you read this, struggling with your balance too, you step up into your kind of feminism doing what you feel is right for you and your family. I do not believe in one solution, both that you listen to your intuition and decide with your HEART and your whole family (hubby, wife, child) involved what works for everybody. Because a family is made of all of you. And it’s not your work to do it all alone, or to fix everybody’s problems or to sacrifice your life to only other people. It’s a balance, sometimes you give more, sometimes you take more. But that’s life.

I’m constantly working on my relationship with myself, my child, motherhood, guilt and feminism.

Trust your intuition. 

so much love, D.

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